Ponyball Z Abridged
by Golden Keyblade
Summary: Follow the adventures of Twilight Sparkle and her friends as they set off on a series of epic and somewhat random adventures across space and time on a journey which will ultimately decide the fate of the entire universe! (Note: this story is a ponification of TeamFourStar's "Dragon Ball Z Abridged".) Rated T for gore, implied sex, and language. Re-Edited 2: Re-Edit Harder!
1. Episode 1

**PONYBALL Z ABRIDGED**

Episode 1: The Return of Shining Armor! ... Wait...

**Disclaimer: The following is a non-profit fan-based parody of a non-profit fan-based parody. ****_Dragon Ball_****, ****_Dragon Ball Z_****, and ****_Dragon Ball GT_**** are all owned by Funimation, Toei Animation, Fuji TV, and Akira Toriama. ****_My Little Pony_**** is owned by Hasbro and Lauren Faust. "Dragonball Z Abridged" is owned by Team Four Star and LittleKuriboh. Please support the story by reading and reviewing, and by supporting the official release of "Dragonball Z Abridged". **

* * *

><p>It was a beautiful afternoon in Equestria. The sun was shining in the sky. The pegasi had cleared away most of the clouds, leaving only a few hanging in the crystal-blue sky. The light reflecting off the mountains made them shine as if they were made of pure diamonds. On a ranch just outside Ponyville, a farmer named Sugar Cube was tending to his crops and livestock. A few hummingbirds hummed around the nearby flowers. Overhead, a grey pegasus with yellow eyes drifted across the sky, giggling about muffins. A dog glanced curiously at the fence surrounding the farm, then walked away. In the pasture, the ostriches were eager for the grain they would soon be given. All was peaceful.<p>

That is, until the alien spacecraft slammed into a field next to the pasture.

Sugar Cube stared in horror at the burning crater in the middle of the field. "Oh Faust no, my sugar cane patch!" he cried in horror. Then he paused and glanced upwards at the pegasus overhead; remembering that private production of sugar was forbidden by royal decree, he quickly added, "Uh... I mean...my berry patch. Yeah."

He quickly galloped over to the crash site. Sugar Cube was not an impressive sight: he was a squat, chubby earth pony with a yellow coat, black mane, and cutie mark of... well, a sugar cube. He had never dealt with anything more dangerous than a stampeding ostrich and the occasional sugar raid by the royal guards.

_Well_, he thought, _I'd better do what any sensible earth pony would do in this situation: get mah spear! _

He took a detour to a nearby apple tree, under which he always kept a sharpened spear which had been handed down by his father. He swung it over his shoulder into a position where it could easily be thrown if danger appeared. He then slowly advanced toward the edge of the crater.

At the base of the crater was the object itself: a perfect sphere of metal with a window built into one side. As Sugar Cube watched, the section of the sphere with the window retracted, revealing itself to be a door. Blinding light spilled out of the doorway, and a robotic voice spoke from inside.

"Hello, and welcome to Gaia, with open bar," it said simply.

A shadowy figure slowly emerged from the pod. Sugar Cube's jaw dropped open. "Holy crap, it's Daring D- no, it's an alien! Holy s[yay]t, it's an alien!"

The figure slowly levitated out of the crater and came to land in front of Sugar Cube. It looked like a unicorn with a pure white coat, a long blue mane, and wearing some kind of futuristic armor. The only thing that distinguished it from being a pony was the fact that it had two tails: a long blue one, looking no different from a normal tail, and a short, fuzzy, rounded brown one below it. Over one eye he wore a strange device which consisted of a green glass lens with a metal strap connecting it to a small device just over the ear. The creature landed on the ground and looked at the surrounding land, revealing he had a cutie mark of a shield bearing a star.

"Ah!" he exclaimed. "Finally on this dead plan-"

He trailed off mid-sentence. He looked around in what appeared to be deep confusion as he stared at the plants, trees, birds, wildlife, nervous earth pony, and so on.

"Wait... what the crap?!" he exclaimed, looking at the beautiful landscape as if confused by its presence. "Did World Crusher screw this up?!" He facehoofed from frustration. "Oh God dammit, I knew we should have sent Suri."

Sugar Cube was so nervous that the spear on his back trembled. "Better think of something cool to say to make him stop," he muttered. He turned, crouched down into a throwing stance, and pointed the spear at the alien. "HEY YOU!" he screamed.

_Genius, Sugar_, he thought proudly. _Genius. _

The alien seemed to notice the farmer for the first time since exiting the pod; he turned and chuckled. "Aww, look at him, he thinks he matters," he said. "What's your power level, little pony?" He pushed a button on the strange lens device; digital numbers began to flash up in the lens. The alien grinned evilly. "Five, huh?" he asked, advancing on the earth pony, who quickly backed into a nearby boulder in an attempt to escape the alien.

"Protect me, spear!" screamed the farmer, hurling the weapon at the alien. Without so much as blinking, the alien caught the weapon in mid-air with his magic.

"Hey!" he snapped. "No! Bad pony!"

He rotated the spear around and, with a kick of magic, sent it hurtling back at Sugar Cube at ten times the speed it had originally been thrown. It impaled him in the chest and flung him backward into the boulder again. He fell to the ground, lifeless.

"Bad!" snapped the alien. "Now get back up and tell me you're sorry!" There was an awkward pause. "Pony?" asked the alien. "Poooony?" He looked at the corpse and finally realized why it wasn't getting back up.

He sighed. "So this is why Dad said I couldn't keep Braeburn," he muttered.

**(Cue the theme song!) **

About a hundred miles away, in the Meteor Wastes, another alien was preparing for his daily training regimen. Her name was Lyra, and unlike the other alien (whose name I neglected to mention was Shining Armor), she sort of looked the part. For one thing, she had green skin; not a green coat, but actual mint-green skin. On her front hooves were strange devices with what appeared to be stubby, clawlike appendages attached. Her magic was orange, and her cutie mark was the instrument she was named after.

Also, she was wearing a turban. Don't ask me why, she just was.

What was she training for? Why, to conquer and enslave the entire world, of course! What else?

"Good old wasteland!" she declared. "Yep! Sure is some kick-flank training!" She paused and looked around at the empty landscape. "Dammit I'm lonely," she muttered.

She quickly pulled out a laptop. "Might as well check MySpace," she said, manipulating the mouse and keys with her magic. She quickly navigated to her profile. "No new comments...no friend requests...dammit." She clicked over into her nearly empty friend box; it held only one photo, that of a large rock.

"Well, at least I have you, Tom," she said, smiling just a little. "You're always there for me." She closed the laptop and stowed it away. Tom was her only friend; by some weird glitch (probably orchestrated by her other half, the aging goddess Cadance), the rock had gained a MySpace profile and friended everyone on the site. Still, she liked Tom; she'd probably kill him last.

"**HEY, YOU!**" screamed a voice from the horizon.

"What the hay?!" exclaimed Lyra, spinning to look for the source of the voice.

"**Are you World Crusher?**" called the distant voice. "**Seriously, if you are, stay still! I need to talk to you about killing and selling this planet! It's REALLY important!**"

A figure appeared in the sky, flying at tremendous velocity. To his surprise, Lyra noticed it was a unicorn; no wings in sight. Clearly this new arrival was tremendously powerful. The figure (who was, of course, Shining Armor) landed in front of Lyra, surprisingly gently for having been flying so fast. The device on his face, which was called a scouter, made a beeping noise and flashed some numbers. Shining took a glance at Lyra.

"Oh, wait a second," he added. "You're not World Crusher. My bad!"

"I've got green skin, robotic hands, and a turban," said Lyra flatly. "Oh yeah, I must look like SO MANY OTHER PONIES."

"Oh, a smart-flank, huh?" challenged Shining smugly. "I don't appreciate smart-flanks. Prepare yourself for my signature attack: Double Sun-!"

Suddenly something very odd happened. Without any warning everything froze; the entire universe stood still. All colors instantly faded away, leaving only black and white. There was also no sound...apart from that of what sounded like two voices arguing.

"NO!" shouted the first voice.

"Huh?" asked the second voice, which sounded like that of Shining.

"Give me the mike!" snapped the first voice. This was accompanied by the sounds of a struggle.

"No!" shouted the second voice. "Come on, man!"

"Give me the mike!" repeated the first voice. The screen cut to a shot of the Mane 6, accompanied by words reading "We are experiencing technical difficulties."

"It's a real attack!" the second voice protested.

"No it isn't!" shouted the first.

Finally some sort of decision seemed to be reached; there was a sound like an object being passed between the two speakers.

"Fine!" snapped the second voice. "Take it! I'll just go practice my Rainbow Dash...ass."

The technical difficulties screen disappeared, showing that the world was now moving and in full color again. Shining Armor pointed his horn at Lyra and spoke, now in a voice more similar to the first speaker.

"Prepare yourself for my signature attack!" he called. "Keep your eye on the birdie!"

Suddenly Shining's scouter beeped; numbers began to flash up on it.

"Ooh, a higher power level!" Shining exclaimed. He quickly flew up about a hundred feet into the air to attempt to triangulate the source of the signal, leaving Lyra on the ground.

"Hey, what the hay?!" exclaimed Lyra. "Weren't you going to kill me?"

"Ah, there we go," said Shining, not listening; he had just figured out where the energy signal was coming from. "Considering the average set by this one green mare and that farmer, the chances of this being World Crusher are... ah screw it, I'll just go check." And with that, he flew off.

"Fine!" Lyra shouted after the receding alien. "Go ahead! I didn't want your company anyway!" She turned back to her laptop. "Right, Tom?" she asked to no one in particular.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, on a remote island in the middle of the ocean, a unicorn was just coming in for a landing. You may be wondering why a unicorn was flying; the simple answer is that she was piloting a helicopter, the model of which she had personally helped invent.<p>

Her name was Fleur Dis Lee, youngest member of the billionaire Dis Lee family. She had a glossy white coat, a pale pink mane, a longer-than-average horn, and a cutie mark of three fleurs-de-lis. She was as intelligent as she was beautiful (most of the time), and she had doctorates in bioengineering and evolutionary biology; her real passion, though, was inventing, as was her father's. However, her real talents were the two which had kept her alive over the course of several life-threatening adventures in her youth: being rich and knowing when not to get involved in fights.

She landed the helicopter, turned of the engines and the radio (playing the hit single "Mares Just Wanna Have Fun"), and clambered down to the ground. The island she had landed on was absolutely tiny; it was more or less a patch of grass with a house built on it, surrounded by a thin beach. This was Cadenza House; Fleur had never been sure if the misspelling of the goddess's name had been a mistake or not. This was where her friends had trained years ago, as part of the quest she had...well, not exactly _fond_ memories, but memories nonetheless.

She climbed up to the front door and opened it with her magic. "Hey, I'm here!" she called inside.

"Flanks!" exclaimed one of the two creatures inside. "Er," he corrected quickly, "I mean...Fleur! Hi."

"Ooookay..." said Fleur awkwardly.

The creature that had spoken was a purple dragon named Spike. She had met Spike years earlier through a mutual friend. Though the dragon was about 26 years old now, he looked no different from when Fleur had met him when he was 13. He was extremely short, barely coming up to Fleur's knees, with purple scales and green spines on his head. He was apparently considered the strongest dragon martial artist on the planet...which apparently didn't amount to much: the guy got beat up a LOT.

"...how's it going?" asked Fleur. The conversation was rather awkward, and not just because of Spike's not-so-subtle comment about Fleur's appearance. This was the first time they'd seen each other in about five years; how to you open that conversation?

Granny Smith knew exactly how to open it. "I'm drinking OJ!" she exclaimed, holding up the large pitcher of orange liquid she was drinking. With a small *ding* sound, it turned dark brown. "Now it's apple juice!" she added. With another small *ding* it changed color again. "Now it's beer! Yay, beer!" She began to chug down the liquid.

Granny Smith was...weird. She was one of the best martial artists in the world, having personally trained atop the Angel Lookout in her youth. In fact, most of Fleur's friends, including Spike, had trained with her at some point. However, Granny also had a nasty habit of flirting with stallions- and mares- significantly younger than herself. (Granted, it would be a bit hard for her to find dates her own age, seeing as she was rapidly approaching 400 years old. Still, gross.) It had made things uncomfortable on more than one occasion, particularly on their first meeting. Ugh.

"So where's Flash?" asked Spike cheerfully.

This was the wrong move. The mere mention of her coltfriend made Fleur's mane stand on end. "I think the bastard's cheating on me!" she exclaimed.

"Why do you say that?" asked Spike in surprise.

_"Fleur!" cried Flash in horror, staring at Fleur standing framed in the doorway. "It's not what it looks like- oh, okay, it's totally what it looks like." There was an even more awkward silence. "Can I still live here?" the pegasus asked hopefully. "Please? Before this I was living in the desert. Oh, and have you cleaned up after Winona yet?" _

_"I make boom-boom!" exclaimed the dog helpfully. _

"Oh, are you serious?!" exclaimed Spike in disgust. "Flash? That is so out of char- so you're single, then?"

At that moment, outside the house, another pony had just arrived- or rather, two ponies. The first pony was the one who joined everypony here together: Twilight Sparkle. Known to those who had met her as the world's greatest martial artist, she had been found by her adoptive grandmother in the forest as a filly. Unfortunately, said grandmother had also managed to drop young Twilight on her head rather hard, leading to her not being particularly clever outside her areas of expertise. Twilight had flown in on the Flying Larson, a magical golden cloud that probably tastes like cotton candy.

The second pony is a surprise. We'll meet her shortly.

"Hey girls!" exclaimed Twilight, walking towards the front door.

"Twilight!" exclaimed Fleur, rushing out the door.

"Tail!" exclaimed Spike. Then he noticed the other pony: a young yellow pegasus filly with a pink mane and a silly hat sitting on Twilight's back. "Um...wait, what?"

Fleur had noticed it as well. "Um...Twilight?" she asked. "I can't help but notice that five-year-old you're carrying."

"Twilight," said Spike, who as usual found himself in the mindset of being unable to believe he had to explain this, "just because we picked you up in the middle of the woods when you were a filly doesn't mean you can go around stealing foals."

"Uh...okay?" said Twilight doubtfully. "This is actually my daughter." She turned around, revealing that the filly had a second ape-like tail below her regular one, just as Twilight had when she was younger.

Everyone gaped. They had absolutely no idea that Twilight had had a foal; in fact, no one had heard a word about this.

"What a twist!" exclaimed M. Night Shyamarelan, a famous director who dropped in exclusively to say this line before disappearing through the power of terrible writing.

"Oh wow!" exclaimed Fleur. "I guess this means you finally...you know..."

"Know what?" asked Twilight in confusion.

Instantly Granny Smith was by her side. "You know," she said with a nudge. "Bow-chicka-wow-wow!"

"What are those noises you're making?" asked Twilight.

At that moment, Fleur and Granny Smith both had the same thought: 'OH MY FAUST, SHE'S A PARENT!'

By this point the filly had crawled down from her mother's back. It was now on the beach playing with a turtle in the surf.

"So when's the little girl gonna start training?" asked Spike.

"Actually, Tavi is making her study," said Twilight. "She wants her to grow up and be... what's it called?"

"A productive and responsible member of society?" suggested Spike.

"Yeah, lame, that's it!" exclaimed Twilight. "Hey Fluttershy, come here!" she called to the little filly. "Stop playing with that turtle! We don't need ponies saying things."

The filly quickly cantered over to her mother and sat down. It was just then that Fleur got a good look at the hat: it was red, multi-tiered like a cake, and on top was...

"Hey, isn't that a Ponyball on her head?" asked Fleur in surprise, recognizing the familiar orange sphere with four red stars. "Doesn't that sort of make her a target for villains who might want them?"

"Aw come on!" scoffed Twilight. "I beat Lyra! I'm strong enough to beat anyone who- HOLY PINK ON A PINKAMENA, WHAT IS THAT?!" She had suddenly spun around to stare off into the sky.

"What's wrong?" asked Granny Smith.

"I just felt a power level bigger than...than...Spike's losing streak!" exclaimed Twilight.

"You know, you girls are the reason I go to therapy," muttered Spike.

Twilight still stared into the patch of sky where she felt the power level emanating from. _He's...getting closer!_ she thought.

"Shouldn't we take Fluttershy and put her insi-" began Spike.

At that moment, Shining Armor dropped out of the sky and landed on the beach. Twilight quickly dropped into a defensive stance.

"Oh, son of a-!" snapped Spike.

"It took me a while to get here," said Shining, looking at Twilight, "but I finally found you...World Crusher."

"What?" asked Twilight in confusion.

"That's right," said Shining. "That's your name."

"What?" asked Twilight in confusion.

"The name you were given before we sent you to this planet."

"What?" asked Twilight in confusion.

"You...hit your head as a foal, didn't you?" sighed Shining.

Twilight thought back to her earliest memories: sharp pain in her head as a foal, followed by looking up at the smiling face of her adoptive Grandma Flutters.

"What?" asked Twilight in confusion.

"Oh for God's sakes, listen!" snapped Shining. "You were sent here as a foal to take over the planet. You are part of a dead race of intergalactic super-warriors called the Saiyans. And to top of this expositional onslaught, I...AM YOUR BROTHER!"

Twilight gasped. Fleur gasped. Spike gasped. Granny Smith's eyes widened. Even a nearby crab fell off the coconut tree it had been climbing.

Spike was the first to recover his voice. "So you're her brother, huh?" he asked, strolling over to the new arrival. "Wow, that must mean you'll be involved in a lot of future events, right?" There was a pause. "Right?" he added.

Fortunately the moment was spared from getting any more awkward by Shining punching Spike so hard that he flew backwards, smashing straight through the boards of the house behind him. He lay there, dazed in confused, hating his luck. **(Spike Owned Count: 1)**

"Hey, stop hitting Spike!" snapped Twilight.

"Why?" challenged Shining.

"Because you're breaking Cadenza House!" exclaimed the purple unicorn.

"Yeah," said the dragon weakly. "Stop breaking Cadenza House."

"So," said Twilight, "what are you here for? The Ponyballs?"

"The...the pony's _what_?!" exclaimed Shining in confusion and mild disgust.

"The Ponyballs!" said Twilight, thinking about all the times she had gathered up the mystical orbs that summoned the wish-granting giant alicorn. "You know...there are seven of them, they grant you any wish you want...like immortality..."

"Or Fleur's panties," added Owlowiscious, who had just now strolled outside. The owl-like shapeshifter was referring to the first time Twilight and Fleur had gathered the Ponyballs, when he had prevented a very short emperor from conquering the world with their power by making a wish for a pair of Fleur's underpants.

* * *

><p><em>Meanwhile, on another planet... <em>

Two ponies were listening in on the conversation from Shining's scouter, which he had accidentally left on. One of them was pink, the other blue with a rainbow mane. The second tail indicated they were both Saiyans.

"Rainbow Dash!" exclaimed the first one. "Did you hear that?"

"Oh yeah, we're totally going to Gaia to get our wish!" exclaimed the second one.

"Yeah, we're gonna get panties!" exclaimed the first one.

There was an awkward silence.

"I mean immortality," the first one added quickly. "Immortality is what I meant! Right, Rainbow Dash?"

The second one sighed. She still couldn't believe she was stuck with this idiot. "Just get in the damn pod," she muttered.

* * *

><p><em>Meanwhile, back at Cadenza House...<em>

"No," said Shining Armor, striding forward towards his sister. "I'm here for you...World Crusher."

"So, what are we gonna do?" asked Twilight brightly. "See a hoofball game? Catch a movie?"

"We're going to kill everypony on the planet and sell it for profit to an alien overlord who may or may not have destroyed our own planet!" exclaimed Shining.

"...oh," said Twilight. "Well...I sort of like ponies here, so with all due respect..."

That was as far as Twilight got before Shining brought his front right knee up into her gut. Twilight was sent flying backwards, collapsing into the sand several meters away.

"Daddy!" cried Fluttershy, running towards Twilight in horror.

"I'll be taking this! Yoink!" exclaimed Shining, snatching the filly up with his magic. With that he leapt into the air and began flying away, magically suspended filly in tow.

"Quick, somepony stop him!" cried Twilight.

Absolutely no one on the island made a move to chase after the receding stallion. Somehow, crickets could be heard chirping.

"Dammit, Spike!" moaned Twilight.

"Hey, I was nag-slapped through a house!" snapped Spike. "What's YOUR excuse?!"

"I was kneed in the stomach!" exclaimed Twilight.

"You girls are pathetic!" shouted a voice from overhead.

Everyone looked up in astonishment. Hovering over the island was Twilight's arch-nemesis: Lyra. Ever since Twilight had defeated her plan to conquer the world, she had been planning revenge, training to become stronger in order to one day defeat Twilight and conquer all of Gaia.

"What?" asked Lyra innocently.

"Oh geez," sighed Twilight as Lyra landed on the beach in front of her. "Hey look: I know you totally want to kill me and all, but...today's kind of a bad day. My brother just shows up; turns out I'm an alien; he stole my foal..."

"Oh yeah, I was watching that," laughed Lyra. "That was _priceless_! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA sorry for your loss."

There was an awkward silence. "Yeaaaah," said Twilight uncertainly. "Anyway...wanna help me get her back?"

"Why?" asked Lyra.

"I'll friend you on MySpace!"

Lyra considered this deal for two seconds.

One minute later, Twilight and Lyra were streaking through the sky, Lyra flying along with her magic, Twilight riding the Flying Larson.

_Tom, you've been replaced_, thought the daughter of the Demon Queen triumphantly.

* * *

><p><em>Meanwhile, back in Cadenza house, in a scene of questionable canonicity...<em>

With a *ding*, the glass turned into a candy bar.

"Now it's a Nestle crunch bar!" exclaimed Granny Smith.

*Ding*!

"Now it's a gummy bear!"

*Ding*!

"Now it's Pinkie Pie!"

"Wait, what the hell?" exclaimed the head of the pink earth pony.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: So I found this story again and decided it needed to be rewritten. I thought a lot about the characters, and ended up thinking I wanted to totally change a couple of things. Expect that to happen from time to time as I revisit this story. In particular I decided that Chi-Chi should be played by Octavia rather than by Flash Sentry; the genders get desynced, but on reflection Flash is much better suited to play Yamcha, in that everyone seems to hate him, including life. (Best pony Derpy doesn't deserve to be stuck as Yamcha anyway.) Plus, having Flash in the role of Chi-Chi will create plot holes around the Cell Saga. As for how Twilight and Octavia had a foal, I had a big idea about psychic mating and magical transference, but ultimately I just decided it would be easier to say that Saiyans have both male and female reproductive systems. So Twilight identifies as female, but can also reproduce with another mare; same with Rainbow Dash. The mare who didn't carry the foal is described as the "father" out of convenience.  
><strong>


	2. Episode 2

Episode 2: And They All Lived Happily Ever... Oh...

Twilight and Lyra streaked through the sky. They had been flying for about ten minutes; the power level had stopped moving, which meant Shining Armor had settled down to rest somewhere on the mainland. Lyra was going over strategy in her head. It was clear that her power level was dwarfed by that of this "Saiyan"; she only hoped that Twilight had gotten significantly stronger in the years since their last battle.

"Hey Lyra?" asked Twilight, interrupting the mare's train of thought. "Mind if I ask you something?"

"What is it?" asked Lyra.

"You're not a pony either, right?"

"Yeah...?"

"And your mom spit you out as an egg, right?"

"What about it?"

Twilight seemed hesitant about the next question. "Are...are you a Yoshi?"

Lyra rolled her eyes. "Yes, Twilight," she snapped. "I'm a _green bucking dinosaur!_"

There was an awkward silence. "Can...can I ride you?" Twilight asked tentatively.

Lyra groaned. This was going to be a long flight.

**(Cue the theme song!) **

Shining Armor was not having a good day. First he'd been rudely awakened by his pod arriving at its destination; then he'd found out that his sister apparently had lost her memories as a foal and hadn't followed up on her mission to wipe out life on Gaia; and now this foal he had taken was stubbornly refusing to stop crying at the top of its lungs.

"Shut up," he hissed at the foal. This had no effect. "I said shut up! SHUT UP!"

Absolutely nothing happened; if anything, the filly cried louder.

"Dammit, why isn't screaming angrily making you cry less?!" snapped Shining. He rolled his eyes. "Ah, to Tartarus with this," he muttered. "You're going in the time-out pod."

He picked up Fluttershy with his magic and trotted down into the crater in which his ship had landed. The pod door was now hanging open. He tossed the filly inside and kicked the door, causing it to automatically seal. Fluttershy continued crying, but now it was purely a visual effect due to the soundproofed pod.

"Thank sweet merciful God that's over," said Shining as he climbed back out of the crater. "Now I can just sit back and..."

At that moment the scouter beeped, indicating that two relatively high (for this planet) power levels were headed his way.

"...beat the crap out of whoever's coming," finished the alien unicorn with a sigh. "Great."

"Shining Armor!" shouted a familiar voice from the sky. "Give me back my daughter!"

At that moment, Twilight Sparkle and Lyra came into view. With a resounding cry of "Whee!" Twilight leapt off the Flying Larson and landed on the ground; Lyra landed much less dramatically beside her.

"So, you're here already," said Shining Armor, turning to address his sister with a smug smile. "And I see you brought the Namarekian as well."

"Actually," interjected Twilight, "that hasn't been explained yet."

"Oh," said Shining awkwardly. "Well, it's not like anyone cares about her anyway."

"Well, screw you too!" snapped Lyra. With that, she tossed her robe and her turban aside; the two garments made a loud thumping noise as they hit the ground.

"Lyra, you wear weighted training clothes as well?" asked Twilight in surprise.

"No, Twilight," said Lyra sarcastically. "I just LOVE to get naked when I'm around you!"

Shining frowned as he consulted the readings from his scouter. _Their power level is rising!_ he realized.

"So," he said, "nudity makes you stronger on this planet!" With that, he began to unzip his armor.

"Um...no, we're wearing weighted clothing," corrected Twilight awkwardly.

"Oh, of course!" exclaimed Shining, hastily zipping up his armor again. "Because that would be ridiculous!" He laughed wildly for several seconds.

There was an awkward pause. "So that mane DOES compensate for something," Lyra said finally.

"SHUT UP!" roared Shining. With that, he lunged forward, moving between the two ponies so fast that he left a glowing blur in his wake. As he passed he delivered an elbow to both of their sides, causing them to lunge away from the space where he had been.

"Okay, what the hell was that?!" exclaimed Lyra.

"I don't know," admitted Twilight. "But let's try it again, from behind!"

The two dashed around and attempted to attack the unicorn from the back, but as their horns headed for him he seemed to simply vanish. He reappeared a few inches in front of them and delivered a double-buck to the jaw that sent them both flying backward.

"We REALLY shouldn't be announcing our attack strategy...!" began Lyra.

"Rush him!" cried Twilight, spinning around in midair and lunging back toward Shining.

"DAMMIT, TWILIGHT!" yelled Lyra, doing the same.

By this time Shining Armor had launched himself up into the air. Twilight and Lyra followed him up into the air, preparing to attack simultaneously.

"Will you at least TRY to dodge this one?!" shouted Lyra.

"Dodge wha- OH GEEZ!" cried Twilight, as Shining unleashed a blast of energy from each of his front hooves, directed downward at the two rapidly ascending mares. Twilight managed to leap out of the way of the beam at the last instant. Lyra wasn't so lucky; the beam caught her front right leg, causing her to cry out in pain. The beams created a massive explosion as they struck the ground.

Twilight landed on the ground. "Hah!" she yelled up at the stallion. "You missed me!"

Instantly he disappeared, moving too fast for the eye to see, and reappeared behind her. "My bad," he said before delivering a kick that sent her flying several meters.

Shining chuckled. He always knew he'd be the strong one in the family, but he had no idea the fight against his sister- with a Namarekian helping, no less- would be so easy!

_Note to self_, Twilight thought. _Less talking, more fighting._ She turned to look at Lyra. "Hey Lyra!" she called out. "We may be taking a beating, but at least we managed to dodge that one! BrohooOOOOUGH!"

Twilight's congratulations turned to a cry of horror as she got a look at Lyra. Lyra's right front leg, complete with robotic hand, was currently grasping her front left shoulder, attempting to staunch the flow of blood. Her left front leg was currently nowhere to be seen, having been blown clean off by the blast.

"Uh..." said Twilight uncertainly, "hoofsha- er, salu- g...good job!"

"HAHAHAHAHA!" cried Shining Armor, nearly in hysterics. "_Ah, excuse me, has anypony seen my leg? You can't miss it; it's GREEN!_" He continued laughing, totally ignoring the two ponies before him.

"Yeah," muttered Lyra. "Anyway, listen. I've got one more technique that should do it. Upside is, I can use it with one hand!"

"And what's the downside?" asked Twilight.

"You'll have to distract him while I charge it," said Lyra.

"Well, that's not TOO bad..." said Twilight with a cautious smile.

"For five minutes," finished Lyra. "And considering he beat us to a pulp in under one...ah, never mind. I'm sure you can handle it."

"Wow!" exclaimed Twilight. "You really have that much faith in me?"

"Yeah, sure," muttered Lyra. "Why not?"

"Well then," said Twilight, dropping back into a battle stance, "I won't disappoint you! Here goes nothing!"

And with a noise somewhere between a battle cry and a grunt, she launched herself and Shining Armor. "READY OR NOT, HERE I-"

And that was the exact moment Twilight began getting her flank handed to her.

Lyra, meanwhile, had placed her remaining robotic hand on her forehead. Veins bulged in her head and front leg as she concentrated on building up energy, channeling as much as she could into her hoof. She decided it would go better if she had a song to hum...

'_Dun dunnnnn duh dun dun...mahna mahna dun duh duh dun... mahna mahna dun dunnnnn duh duh duh, duh duh duh, duh duh duh, duh duh duh, I'mma chargin' my attack!_"

By this point, Twilight (who had been getting thoroughly destroyed by her older brother) had managed to latch onto Shining's secondary tail with her magic. "Ha!" she cried. "Got your tail!"

"Please let me go?" asked Shining hopefully.

"Well, since you asked nicely..." began Twilight. Unfortunately, just by saying this she subconsciously loosened her magic enough for Shining to escape and start beating her up again.

Lyra continued to charge the attack, mentally blocking out the screams and the occasional panicked cry of "LYRA, HELP!"

_Perhaps on second thought, a whole five minute start-up time for an attack is preeeeeeetty abysmal in terms of usability in battle,_ she thought.

"Ha!" cried Twilight, out of breath but proud. "Got your tail! Again!"

"Please let go?" asked Shining again.

"I'm not falling for that again!" snapped Twilight.

"_Pretty_ please let me go?" asked Shining, making his voice as pathetic as possible.

"Well..." began Twilight, the tail slowly slipping out of the magic field.

The instant the tail cleared the field, Shining kicked Twilight hard enough to land her several meters away on her back. "Ow, spine!" she cried. "Ow, ribs!" she added as Shining leapt over and stomped a hoof down on her chest. "Definitely ribs!"

"Ah-ha!" exclaimed Shining Armor. "Attacking an opponent roughly four times your strength in a one-on-one battle! A cunning strategy!" He paused. "No," he added, "no, not cunning. What's the opposite of that?"

"Retarded?" suggested Lyra, who clearly still had enough mental power to spare to communicate.

"That's it; thank you!" exclaimed Shining. "Now, disregarding the Namarekian, I-"

"Uh-uh!" corrected Twilight. "A Yoshi!"

"I'M NOT A FAUSTDAMN YOSHI!" screamed Lyra.

"But you said you were!" protested Twilight.

"IT'S CALLED SARCASM!"

"What's that taste like?"

"DAMMIT, TWILIGHT!"

"STOP IGNORING ME!" screamed Shining, once again stomping his hoof down on Twilight's chest.

"AH, MY RIBS!" cried Twilight. "I THINK YOU BROKE MY RIBS!"

"STOP! IGNORING! ME! AND! DIE!" shouted Shining, punctuating each word with another stomp.

Suddenly he stopped. His scouter had just detected a massive power level, one significantly higher than Twilight and Lyra together. And it was coming from the direction of the crater...

"**STOP BEATING UP MY DADDY!**" screamed a voice suddenly.

Shining spun just in time to see Fluttershy, a look of intense rage on her face, burst out of the pod. Debris from the ship flew in every direction as the filly catapulted herself at Shining.

"No, my space pod!" cried Shining, before impacted by a headbutt from the filly hard enough to shatter the chestpiece of his armor. "Ah, my space armor!" he added.

"We get it, you're from space!" snapped Lyra.

Shining Armor stumbled backwards, clutching at his chest with one hoof. Fluttershy landed on the ground, a bit dazed but overall looking pretty good for somepony who had just delivered a headbutt powerful enough to wind the strongest being currently on the planet.

"F-Fluttershy?" asked Twilight in disbelief. "What... was that?"

"Daddy!" exclaimed Fluttershy, running over to give Twilight a hug.

"No, no seriously, what the hay was that?!" cried Twilight, confused and slightly angry. "We were getting slaughtered out there, and you could do tha..." She trailed off as she realized that Shining was now back in the fight and looming over her daughter. "Oh crap," she said quietly.

"UNCLE SHINING IS PISSED!" screamed Shining Armor, raising one of his front legs to backhoof the side of the filly's head.

Disclaimer 1: I, Golden Keyblade, do not condone violence toward foals.

Disclaimer 2: I do, however, find it hilarious.

Fluttershy was sent flying back by the force of the blow, sending her rolling along the ground. Shining began to stalk towards the filly, clearly intending to do more permanent damage.

"Wait, hold on!" cried Twilight, reaching out as if to stop Shining.

"Oh, what?" scoffed Shining, glancing at his sister. "Miss Shattered Ribs is going to stop me?!" He turned and stalked back towards Fluttershy.

"Listen, you don't understand!" cried Twilight. "Nothing you could do could EVER compare to what Octavia will do to me if she found out she died!"

"Well, sucks to be you," said Shining. A massive ball of crackling dangerous-looking pink energy began to form at the end of his horn.

_I don't have any choice_, thought Twilight, struggling to stay conscious despite the pain. _I have to use my last technique!_

"NOW DIE!" screamed Shining, preparing to fire the pink energy at Fluttershy.

"FULL NEIGHSON!" exclaimed Twilight, who by a Herculean effort had climbed to her hooves and thrown herself at Shining, wrapping her front and back legs around him to pull him onto his back legs.

"A full neighson?" laughed Shining. "That won't work on me! **I am Shining Armor**!"

He struggled for a moment before realizing to his utter shock that he couldn't break free from the hold. "Okay, let go!" he snapped at his sister.

He struggled a moment more, but still couldn't shake off the injured unicorn mare. "Seriously, this is starting to piss me off!" he yelled.

"Lyra!" called Twilight.

"Ready!" shouted Lyra. She had finally built up all the energy she needed; she could feel all the power in her body coursing into her remaining hoof, and the power-focusing mechanical hand at the end.

"Good!" exclaimed Twilight. "Just make sure you give me a signal before you fire that thing! I'm right behind him!"

"Oh sure, I'll give you a signal!" said Lyra sinisterly. "It'll be the last signal you'll ever GET!" She then decided it would be appropriate, given her last remark, to laugh evilly for a moment.

"Well, okay," said Twilight, "as long as we're clear on that..."

Lyra slowly brought her metal hand- the second and third fingers of which were glowing with concentrated energy- a couple inches away from her temple. Now it was time for the hardest part of the entire process: pronouncing the name of the technique, which was "Makankosappo"; the name had been suggested by Lyra's other half Cadance, and now that she thought of it she suspected she had made it so difficult to prevent what she viewed as "her evil half" from using it in battle.

"MAKANSA-" stammered Lyra. "MAKAKASAPOP- MEKKASAPPA-" She rolled her eyes. "Oh, to Tartarus with it!" she snapped. "SPECIAL BEAM CANNON!"

She pointed the fingers of the mechanical hand at the pair of alien unicorns. Two brilliant beams of pure energy emerged; one flew straight, while the other spiraled around the first. The twin beams surged forward, headed straight for Shining...and for Twilight.

"Is that what you're gonna yell when you- OH FAUST!" cried Twilight as the beam pierced both her and Shining Armor's chests, passing straight through them and vaporizing a nearby mountain, much to the anger of an earth pony who was attempting to scale it.

Both Saiyans collapsed to the ground. Blood flowed from identical open wounds in their chests.

"Dammit!" cried Shining, as he felt his life force ebbing away into the ground. "And there was no way I could have gotten out of that!"

"You know, you could have flown," remarked Lyra, trotting over to the dying creature.

"DAMN YOU, HINDSIGHT!" screamed Shining Armor, before dying with a mundane "Bleh."

Suddenly Lyra looked up. A helicopter had just appeared in the sky. Inside she could clearly see the shapes of Spike, Fleur, and Granny Smith.

"Twilight!" cried Spike on a megaphone. "After several hours of debate, we decided you might need our..."

He stopped as he realized that Shining Armor was already dead, and Twilight was rapidly approaching the same state.

"Ah crap," he moaned.

Ten minutes later, Twilight's friends were clustered around her body. They had looked into bandaging the wound, but it was clearly too late: she was beyond normal help.

"Twilight, you can't die!" cried Spike, clutching the mare's hoof in his claws. "Here, I brought a Senzu bean!" He held up one of the magical beans which could heal any wound, even mortal ones.

"I...don't think that's gonna work," said Twilight weakly, as if every word hurt her (which it did).

"Why not?" asked Spike tentatively.

"I sort of have a hole in my esophagus," she explained.

"Wait, then how are you breathing?" asked Spike in confusion.

As if in answer to the question, Twilight's eyes closed, and the Saiyan mare who had been Spike's best friend for years passed from this world.

"Twilight?" asked Spike, his voice trembling. "Twilight?!" He tried to shake the mare, but it was clear she was gone.

"Holy crap," he whispered. Then, in a louder voice, he exclaimed, "_I'm not the first one to die in this series!_"

"Spike!" snapped Granny Smith.

"What?" asked Spike innocently.

"Too soon!" snapped the elderly hermit.

"I can't believe she's gone!" exclaimed Fleur, cradling the unconscious Fluttershy with her magic.

"Yeah, pity that," said Lyra, sounding uninterested. With a roar of pain and exertion, she suddenly sprouted a new leg where her front left one had been cut off. Green goo spurted off the new leg, splattering the ground. Lyra (who by now had retrieved her clothes) pulled a new hand from the pocket of her robe and affixed it to the end of her hoof.

"Wait, what they hay?!" exclaimed Spike, running over to look at the daughter of the Demon Queen. "You can regenerate?!"

"Yeah," said Lyra with a sinister smile. "And you know what else?"

"What?" asked Spike nervously.

"I'm taking Fluttershy; bye!" exclaimed Lyra. And with that, she grabbed the filly with her magic and flew off back towards the Meteor Wastes.

"Quick, somepony stop her!" exclaimed Spike.

There was an awkward silence. Spike could've sworn he heard the same crickets from back on the island.

"Dammit, Granny!" exclaimed Spike.

"Shut up, Spike," muttered Granny Smith.

"Aw..." said Spike weakly. **(Spike Owned Count: 2) **

- Dividing Line -

_Meanwhile, in a parallel universe... _

"Fluttershy!" cried Twilight. "Do a Headbutt!"

"Fluuuutter-SHY!"

Fluttershy used Headbutt! It was super-effective!


	3. Episode 3

Episode 3: Happily Ever Afterlife

**Old A/N: Hey guys! Well, this is the third chapter, so I guess I should give you some backstory. See, what you need to know about me is that I don't delete documents. Ever. I always keep my abandoned story ideas- of which I have literally hundreds- lying around on my hard drive, on the off-chance I might one day rediscover them and decide they were worth doing after all. So a few days ago I was unfathomably bored and, during a routine search of my documents folder, I rediscovered the first half of chapter 1 of this story. **

**Of course, the story was REALLY different back then. Originally it was more directly inspired by TheWholockedBrony's awesome "Adventures in Time", with each of the DBZA characters basically swapped out for their pony OC. I had been going along with this for a while and realized that, though it worked great for ****_Doctor Who_**** (seriously, heed my shameless plug and go read it!), it didn't work particularly well for an internet comedy series, and I decided something had to change. Ultimately I decided to replace the DBZA characters, not with OCs, but with MLP characters who best fit their personalities. Thus Krillin, who is mostly there for comic relief and moral support, became Spike, and Vegeta, who is so confident in his own badassery that he frequently bites off more than he can chew, became Rainbow Dash. I'll try my best to iron out what plot holes I can (such as how Rainbow Dash and Fleur have a foal in Season 3), and my ultimate goal is to keep the story as consistent with DBZA as possible. **

**But now I've rambled on long enough! Let's get to the action!**

* * *

><p>Everyone was still in shock. First Twilight was killed, and now Fluttershy had been kidnapped by Lyra. Spike slowly reached down to pick up Fluttershy's red hat, complete with the four-star Ponyball, which had fallen off during the battle. Twilight's friends stood somberly around her body; Shining Armor's corpse lay off a short distance, the scouter still making the occasional beep.<p>

"Well," said Granny Smith, who had been selected by the group to give Twilight's impromptu eulogy, "Twilight Sparkle has passed. But her sacrifice has stopped a great evil. Thanks to her, our lives can return to peace once more-"

At that moment, Granny Smith was cut off by a high-pitched voice. After a moment of confusion, they realized from the tinny quality and the direction that it was being broadcast through Shining Armor's scouter. It seemed to be the voice of an excited mare.

"Shining?" the voice called, apparently expecting an answer. "Shiiiining?"

"What the hay is that?" asked Granny Smith in surprise.

"Guywho'sasstrongasaSaibapony says what?" There was a moment of silence. "That usually gets to him. I think he's dead, Rainbow Dash!"

"Big shocker; nopony cares!" snapped another voice; this one was also a mare's, but it was more scratchy and cruel than the first voice. "We're ten times stronger than him anyway! We'll go to Gaia, find the Ponyballs, and kill everypony! And we'll be there within a year or so... depending on filler, of course."

"Anything else we need to go over, Rainbow Dash?" asked the first voice.

"Nope, that's about it," said the second. And with that, the scouter went dead.

There was total silence as the group contemplated the news that even more powerful opponents were now on the way.

Granny Smith was the one who broke the silence, neatly wrapping up how everypony present felt.

"Well," she said, "buck!"

**(Cue the theme song!) **

Meanwhile, in the nearest available wasteland, Lyra had set up camp. Since she was an alien lifeform who subsisted almost entirely on water, this more or less meant putting down Fluttershy and locating a nearby soft patch of ground on which to sleep. Fluttershy was now seated in the water, looking confused and scared.

"Alright, you little pony...Saiyan...thing," said Lyra. "I saw what you did to that Saiyan back there. That kind of power can be useful."

"Wha- what do you mean?" stammered the filly.

"I'm going to make you my pupil," said Lyra firmly. "And then...I'll use YOU for my conquest to take over the world!"

"But...but where's my daddy?" asked Fluttershy, looking around as if Twilight was merely hiding behind a rock.

"Hate to tell you, kid, but your dad's dead," snapped Lyra. Then she considered this statement. "Actually, I kind of like saying that. HA-HA, YOUR DAD'S DEAD!"

She stopped as she realized that Fluttershy was now sobbing inconsolably.

"Ah, dammit," she muttered. "This is why I hang out in wastelands."

* * *

><p><em>Meanwhile, in the afterlife...<em>

The afterlife wasn't what most ponies thought it was... actually, it's exactly what most ponies thought it was. It was so predictable as to be cliché. A long road led through a line of clouds into a large Japanese-looking building; along the road was a long line of recently-departed souls. As the line moved forward, each soul would come before the divine judge, who would determine what fate that pony had earned in life.

"Hello," said a nearby death spirit (basically a blue pony with two curved horns instead of one straight one), "and welcome to the Heavenly Check-In Station! Please no cutting in line; if you are caught cutting in line, you will be sent straight to Tartarus."

Normally the line moved swiftly; the divine judge, Mayor Mare, had the ability to instantly assess the quality of a departed soul and whether or not it deserved eternal paradise. However, in this case the line was being held up. Inside the building, the aging goddess Cadance was making a case that Twilight should be given exemption from the usual judging process so she could train for the upcoming threat that she had somehow heard about.

"And so," said Cadance, "we need Twilight here to get to Queen Luna's for her masterful training, Mayor Mare!"

"Give me one good reason allow this," said the judge coldly. She looked more or less like a normal earth pony- with a light brown coat, gray mane and tail, and a cutie mark of a divine scroll- except that she was about thirty feet tall and wore a Viking helmet. She was currently in her usual position: seated behind a proportionally massive desk looking down at those before her.

"Because if you don't," warned Cadance, who had prepared this argument in advance, "that line is going to increase by SIX BILLION!"

"Six billion?!" scoffed Mayor Mare. "I'm supposed to be intimidated by six billion?! Please! I can judge six billion souls faster than you take a piss, old mare!"

"You know," said Cadance testily, "I am the Guardian of Gaia. Can I please get a LITTLE bit more respect here?!"

"Big deal!" exclaimed the judge. "I'm the closest thing to a god in this show! Until you get to the Queens," she added quickly. "Then I'll be hoooorribly insignificant. I do have a desk, though! It's made of mahogany!" She fixed the mares with a smug stare. "Mahogany."

"Uh..." said Cadance unsurely. "Anyway, can we please..."

"SILENCE!" the Divine Mayor roared, causing both Twilight and Cadance to leap backwards. There was an awkward pause.

"Mahogany."

"Um...ma'am?" asked Cadance nervously.

"What?" asked Mayor Mare, as if coming out of a trance. "Oh, uh, sure, whatever. She can go to Queen Luna's. But," she added dramatically, "she'll have to run on SNAAAKE WAAAAAAY!" An automatic system played a dramatic tone at these words.

"Sounds fun!" exclaimed Twilight.

"Prepare to be surprised," said Mayor Mare smugly.

"Alright, I'm off!" said Twilight brightly, running off to follow the signs leading to Snake Way. "Oh, wait, by the way," she added, "did you see a stallion named Shining Armor come through here? He has a blue mane and two tails..."

Mayor Mare leafed through the book on her desk for a moment. "Oh yeah, I remember that guy!" she exclaimed. "I put him in my patented MARELOCK!"

"And that worked?" asked Twilight in surprise.

"Buck no!" exclaimed the judge. "He kicked me in the crotch and ran away! Now I don't know where he is!"

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, somewhere else, Shining Armor was telling the story from the other perspective.<p>

"She didn't keep her eye on the birdie!" he said with a grin, a golden halo bobbing above his head.

* * *

><p>"...huh," said Twilight quietly. "Okay...well, bye!" She turned and ran off, following the signs.<p>

"See you next time you die," commented Mayor Mare. He turned to look at Cadance, who had been standing still this whole time.

"Maaaahogany," she said simply.

* * *

><p>"So, Spike, how did Tavi take the news?" asked Granny Smith.<p>

Granny, Spike, and Fleur were all seated on chairs inside of Cadenza House. It was the day following the death of Twilight; Granny was inquiring as to how the now-deceased mare's wife, Octavia, had taken the news of her death.

"Um..." said Spike awkwardly.

* * *

><p><span><em>The previous afternoon...<em>

_"Well, Spike, what did you need to talk about?" asked Octavia. She was facing Spike across the table; to Spike's left was Twilight's empty seat, and to the right was a huge seat taken up by Octavia's father, Iron Will the Bull King. Spike really, REALLY wished he hadn't drawn the short straw. _

_"So, Tavi," said Spike nervously. "Hypothetically, what would you do if you were told that your wife was dead, and your daughter were kidnapped by her worst enemy?" _

_"I'd castrate the messenger in his sleep with a rusty carving knife," said Octavia brightly. _

_The silence across the table was one of the most intense Spike could remember. _

_"Oh," he said finally. "Then it's a good thing I'm not telling you that!" _

_The three laughed over this for a minute. _

_"Would you like to spend the night?" asked Tavi suddenly. _

_"...against my better judgment," said Spike._

_Later that night... _

_Iron Will was snoring. Spike, who hadn't been able or willing to sleep, slowly crawled out of his bed, dressed in his lightweight orange robe, grabbed his bag, and slowly began to creep out of the room. He was stopped in his tracks, however, by the unmistakable sound of a knife being sharpened. _

_"Spiiiiike!" called Tavi in a singsong voice. "Where aaaaare yooooou?" _

_For the next twelve hours, a carriage puller I was too lazy to name was irritated to his wit's end by the sound of Spike screaming his head off in the back seat. _

"...relatively well," said Spike finally.

"So," said Fleur, "are you going to gather the other Z Warriors and go train with Cadance?"

"The _who_ warriors?!" exclaimed Spike.

"The Z Warriors!" said Fleur brightly, and Spike noted that a scouter had suddenly appeared out of nowhere over her eye. "You, Twilight, Applejack, Flash Sentry, Sweetie Belle... that's what we always call you guys!"

"That's the stupidest thing I've ever..." began Spike.

"SPIKE!" screamed Octavia's distant voice. "WHERE THE HAY ARE YOU?!"

Spike sprinted outside, followed by Fleur and Granny Smith, to see that Tavi was riding a pegasus-pulled chariot toward the island at incredibly high-speed.

"Well, I'm off to gather the Z Warriors; bye!" shouted Spike. And with that, he began flying away as fast as he could.

* * *

><p><em>The Meteor Wastes, around the same time...<em>

"Listen up, runt!" snapped Lyra. "Today we're going to begin your intense training under me!"

"But wait!" protested Fluttershy. "Wouldn't that cause horrible muscle degeneration for somepony my age, crippling me for years to come?"

Lyra stared at the filly for a moment. "You're a wordy little bastard, aren't you?" she asked finally.

"My mom wants me to be come an orthodon-" began Fluttershy.

"NEEEEEEERD!" snapped Lyra.

"W...what?" asked Fluttershy in confusion.

"Anyway," said Lyra, once again using her indoor voice (though they were currently outdoors), "I figured to unleash your hidden potential, I'd have to put you in immense physical danger. So I'm going to throw you at that mountain."

Fluttershy looked in the direction Lyra had pointed and examined the mountain in question. "Actually," she corrected, "that look more like a plateAAUUUU!" This last extension of the sentence was a result of Lyra seizing Fluttershy with her mechanical hands and tossing her with all her might. The helpless filly was now hurtling towards the massive formation, apparently having forgotten that she had wings.

_Any second now..._ thought Lyra eagerly.

Fluttershy continued screaming as the mountain and/or plateau loomed even larger.

_Here it comes..._ Lyra thought.

The mountain was really getting quite large for the filly now.

_And..._ thought Lyra.

What happened next was surprising to no one except Lyra: Fluttershy slammed into the wall of rock face-first rather hard, fell to the ground, and started sobbing.

Lyra cringed at the impact, sighed, and began to walk slowly toward the filly. _This is going to be a looooooooong training session_, she thought with resignation.

* * *

><p>"Alright, Miss Mare-do-well!" said the death spirit. "Here you are at Snake Way! Now you might want to pack a lunch, cause it's gonna be a long gallop! Nah, I'm just jokin'; you're not gonna be eatin' none!"<p>

"Wow!" exclaimed Twilight, gazing in wonder down the long winding road leading through the clouds into the distance, carved on the back of a mammoth stone statue of a snake. "That looks like it's gonna take me a while!"

"Now be careful running," said the death spirit. "You don't want to fall of and die!" He winked playfully. "That's just a little bit of dead humor," he added. "But seriously, do not fall off or you will go to Tartarus."

"Has anypony ever run the whole thing before?" asked Twilight curiously.

"Well, there was one mare," recalled the death spirit.

"Well, who was she?"

"I believe her name was..."

* * *

><p><em>Meanwhile, on Cadance's lookout...<em>

"Miss Pinkamena!" called Cadance.

"Yes, Cadance?" answered the pink mare, brushing her long straight mane out of her eyes.

"I just received word that we have a new batch of trainees coming. Make sure you take good care of them!"

Pinkamena just stared at Cadance. Even the goddess was creeped out by the mare. Perhaps it was her cutie mark of three popped balloons. Or perhaps it was that sinister smile she always wore. But Cadance personally thought it was the eyes. They never seemed focused on exactly the same thing: one would look at you, but the other seemed to peer farther, as if glaring into your very soul.

And then Pinkamena started to laugh.

* * *

><p><em>Earlier that day...<em>

"And not just any mahogany," declared Mayor Mare, "but mahogany from the planet of Malchior 7, where the trees are 300 feet tall and breathe FIRE! From these trees this desk was forged 2,000 years ago, using ancient blood rituals of the Malchior people! And not only does this make my desk nigh indestructible, **but it can bend the fabric of the universe itself!**"

The giant mare paused. "Also," she added, "it's a very fine material. Very expensive."

"Ooookaaaaay..." said Cadance.

"_Mahogany_."

**A/N: Yes, Pinkie Pie and Pinkamena are two different characters. Deal with it. (I originally wanted Mr. Popo to be Fluffle Puff, because my best friend is incredibly disturbed by her design, but then I realized most people find her too cute for that.) **


End file.
